Not good but not too bad

Today I felt very “foody”. What else is new? But then, I was hungover. I forgive myself.

I started off well, with a bowl of scrambled eggs. Pure protein. Then, when I was out doing my grocery shopping, I had a bit of smoked salmon. And then I passed a McDonalds. Tasty and reassuring, yet undeniably gross, McDonalds. I don’t eat it very often any more but I kinda felt like it. So I had a Quarter Pounder meal and a McFlurry, both of which were sub-par, which was not surprising.

And then I mentally beat myself up for a while. “How is this going to help with your chubby thighs?” I asked myself. I had no answer for that. On the way home, lugging my bags, I passed an ice-cream van. I don’t know why but I gave in and bought a rum-and-raisin waffle cone. (It was pretty good, though.) Then I came home and my housemate offered me some dahl soup that she’d made. I wasn’t actually hungry but I had some anyway. It was, no joke, some of the best soup I’ve ever eaten. The woman has a gift, and I will be getting that recipe.

Then I unwrapped a package of dates that I’d bought. They were reduced, and they’d hardened together to create an interesting datey bar. I found myself gnawing on the bar, eating about two mouthfuls. Then I caught myself. What was I doing? How was this mindful? This was mindless. So I stopped.

All in all, not great — far too much sugar — but not a binge. I want to restart with the proper eating tomorrow. I bought lots of nice fruit and veg, and some quinoa, and sardines, and coconut oil. Good, healthful ingredients with which I will create tasty, nourishing meals. I will try to respect and listen to my body this week. Wish me luck.

Part of the problem is the way I use food as a mood-booster, as I said yesterday. Moving overseas has been such an emotional experience that I have kind of lost my appetite. But, rather than going with that and just eating enough to satisfy myself, I am, perversely, angry and annoyed that I don’t physically need to eat as much any more. A decreased appetite means I have less opportunity for food-related pleasure. While I was dieting it was OK but now that I’m lost in the wilderness again, I seem to be barging ahead regardless and cramming food into my gob whether I am hungry or not. (Man, that therapy appointment can not come soon enough.)

All in all, though, I feel OK about the week ahead. I know I can eat properly, because I have done it before. I can do it, one day at a time.

I suspect I am shouting into the void here, rambling on about my food intake and knee fat. I don’t know if anyone is particularly interested, and that’s fine. But if anyone does happen to be reading, feel free to say hi 🙂

Onwards, then. May we all have good weeks and find the strength to listen to our bodies and be good to ourselves.





2 thoughts on “Not good but not too bad

  1. Reading your posts was a comforting reminder that I am not alone in this daily battle. I just started my own blog and I’m already finding it cathartic to open up about BED too.

    1. Hello, thanks for saying hi! You are definitely not alone. There are lots of us struggling, sadly, but we have strength in numbers. Support is invaluable. I’m glad that blogging is helping you; it’s helping me, too. I will pop on over to your blog when I can! Hang in there and take it one day at a time.

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