Today I felt very “foody”. What else is new? But then, I was hungover. I forgive myself.
I started off well, with a bowl of scrambled eggs. Pure protein. Then, when I was out doing my grocery shopping, I had a bit of smoked salmon. And then I passed a McDonalds. Tasty and reassuring, yet undeniably gross, McDonalds. I don’t eat it very often any more but I kinda felt like it. So I had a Quarter Pounder meal and a McFlurry, both of which were sub-par, which was not surprising.
And then I mentally beat myself up for a while. “How is this going to help with your chubby thighs?” I asked myself. I had no answer for that. On the way home, lugging my bags, I passed an ice-cream van. I don’t know why but I gave in and bought a rum-and-raisin waffle cone. (It was pretty good, though.) Then I came home and my housemate offered me some dahl soup that she’d made. I wasn’t actually hungry but I had some anyway. It was, no joke, some of the best soup I’ve ever eaten. The woman has a gift, and I will be getting that recipe.
Then I unwrapped a package of dates that I’d bought. They were reduced, and they’d hardened together to create an interesting datey bar. I found myself gnawing on the bar, eating about two mouthfuls. Then I caught myself. What was I doing? How was this mindful? This was mindless. So I stopped.
All in all, not great — far too much sugar — but not a binge. I want to restart with the proper eating tomorrow. I bought lots of nice fruit and veg, and some quinoa, and sardines, and coconut oil. Good, healthful ingredients with which I will create tasty, nourishing meals. I will try to respect and listen to my body this week. Wish me luck.
Part of the problem is the way I use food as a mood-booster, as I said yesterday. Moving overseas has been such an emotional experience that I have kind of lost my appetite. But, rather than going with that and just eating enough to satisfy myself, I am, perversely, angry and annoyed that I don’t physically need to eat as much any more. A decreased appetite means I have less opportunity for food-related pleasure. While I was dieting it was OK but now that I’m lost in the wilderness again, I seem to be barging ahead regardless and cramming food into my gob whether I am hungry or not. (Man, that therapy appointment can not come soon enough.)
All in all, though, I feel OK about the week ahead. I know I can eat properly, because I have done it before. I can do it, one day at a time.
I suspect I am shouting into the void here, rambling on about my food intake and knee fat. I don’t know if anyone is particularly interested, and that’s fine. But if anyone does happen to be reading, feel free to say hi 🙂
Onwards, then. May we all have good weeks and find the strength to listen to our bodies and be good to ourselves.