A binge-eating blog I just looked at made me realise that my own blog has been missing something: my victories. I need to journal my successes as well as my failures.
I had a success yesterday. A whole binge-free day. A whole day without ‘using’. I am going to try to do the same today. I grazed on roast vegetables perhaps a bit too much yesterday, and I ate greasy (but delicious) Thai food at dinner with a friend. But I did not binge, and I celebrate that. I am proud of that.
Falling back into bingeing behaviours after a period of good eating is so hard on me because I see the consequences of my failure on my body. I wear them everywhere I go. The soft fat on my thighs makes me wonder why I am bothering to try to beat this disease. I lose weight only to gain it back. My rampant loss of control has brought me back to square one. Again. I get so sick of the lose-weight-gain-weight rollercoaster. I get so tired of fighting and of seemingly inevitable self-sabotage. But the time will pass, as it always does. The binge-free days will add up, as they always do, if I keep at it. And I hope to soon have some professionals on my side to help me through. To convince me that I can do this. My new record is six weeks binge-free. Maybe this time I can double that. Maybe this time if I slip up again, it will be less disastrous.
I have previously tried writing stern reminders on scraps of paper to carry in my wallet: ”DO NOT BINGE. I REPEAT: DO NOT BINGE. STEP AWAY FROM THE FOOD.” But they didn’t work. Hence, I have created a new reminder. “Bingeing won’t make you feel better.” It is that simple. It will not make me feel better, no matter what I eat, or how much. I hope I can remember that.