Working on it

Slowly, things start to happen.

I attended the first session of a new choir yesterday. It’s in Shoreditch, a very cool and vibrant area, and the songs we worked on were Kiss from a Rose and The Rhythm of the Night. I was thrilled. A thousand times yes! And I chatted to three nice people there, which, for me, is a big deal, as I can be shy in unfamiliar situations. I feel good about joining, but I hate that my hopes make me get ahead of myself — “Oh, maybe we will become friends, and go to karaoke together, and maybe she’ll have a cute brother I can date. Or cute friends.” Ugh. I should just let life unfold the way it will. All that junk aside, though, I am excited about it. Singing is important to me, and it’s brilliant stress relief, and I need more of it in my life.

Right now, especially, I need that release. I am really stressed at the moment. I hate it. I am keyed-up and tense, and it’s not good for me. Yesterday I was half-an-hour late to work. I had a massive and terrible binge hangover — I did order the pasta and garlic bread the night before, in case anyone was wondering — and I woke up feeling shitty and sluggish and sorry for myself. My boss was unimpressed, I could tell. How do you explain that you were late to work because you have depression, anxiety and BED, and are merely suffering the after-effects of unnecessary apple turnovers and crappy (but tasty) late-night takeaway-shop spaghetti bolognaise? Um, you don’t, if you want to keep your job. But seriously, I’ve never had the kind of depression that keeps me bed-ridden but sometimes I am so miserable that I am impressed I make it to work at all. He has no idea.

On the upside, though, today I have got a phone assessment session with the mental health peeps in my part of town. I can finally get a psych set up, and get a plan in place with them, and, I hope, get some meds that actually work for me.

I am trying to make progress in terms of food, as well. Yesterday was a nutritionally perfect day, really. I ate plain Greek yoghurt with blueberries for breakfast, and half an apple. Lunch was home-made (and delicious) dhal and vegie soup, and a few mushrooms. For dinner I had tinned sardines and a little more dhal, and then a cuppa. Lots more cuppas and water in-between. Healthful, wholesome, nourishing food that made me feel good, and in just the right amounts. I will try to do the same today. I am no longer naive enough to think I can just stop the binging like that, but I am going to try to get back on track, and eat to be kind to myself. I realised yesterday that I need to give myself permission to try again. And I do give myself permission. Part of me is like, “Why bother? Look how fat your thighs are; you made all that progress when you moved here, and then binged and gained all the weight back plus more, and you’re now the biggest you’ve ever been; what’s the point of trying again?” But that part of me just needs to shut up. I am going to try to stop thinking about the weight aspect (easier said than done, of course) and just focus on being kind to myself, whether I feel as though I “deserve” it or not.

In that spirit, tonight after work I am going to get along to a social meditation and yoga session. I am excited! This is what I need to do more of. And tomorrow I have the day off, hooray!

So, all in all, feeling pretty good.

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