Taking stock

I shared this blog on my Facebook page exactly a week ago. Doing so was a big deal for me, and it has already had affected my life — mostly positively.

Turns out, my friends and family still like me, even knowing about some of my issues. They still love me. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Not that I expected anyone to stop loving me after I opened up; I don’t know what I expected.

A few have told me I am brave. It’s funny; I don’t feel brave. I was honestly just trying to save my own life. I’m not in therapy right now, and I had to do something to relieve some of the enormous pressure I was under. I had to throw myself a lifeline, and I did so by reaching out to others. And it worked. Whether or not anybody ever reads this blog again, I now feel as though I have a team of silent cheerleaders supporting me as I sort myself out. And I don’t have to lie or act any more around the people who matter most to me… or not as much, anyway. I am working at demolishing the facade. In some significant ways, I am liberated.

Whether or not people read, I will keep writing. Evidently, it is something I need to do. I do want to connect with people in the mental health and recovery blogging communities, but I can investigate that later. I once made a friend in a fellow BED sufferer and blogger just through this blog. I don’t know what happened to her — she stopped writing — but I hope she’s doing well. It would be nice to make more friends.

I wish I knew how to make this blog all pretty and user-friendly but I don’t know anything about web design. I suppose I don’t wish it badly enough to learn! I will do something about it, but it’s not a priority just yet. In the meantime, readers will just have to scale these walls of text. (Thank you, readers.)

I’m having a consultation call from an NHS mental health service on Wednesday to see about getting another therapist. I hope they don’t suggest someone who will just give me CBT. I’ve done it before, I get it and I use it. What I need is someone who can treat me for my OCD and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (the latter is a result of the former). We shall see what happens.

I know I also need to find the right medication. Zoloft is not working. I have developed another compulsion and it is fucking annoying. Plus it has given me amenorrhoea and adult acne, and it messes with my sleep. I could put up with the side effects if it actually worked, but I don’t think it does. It stops my cheek-chewing (lifelong nervous habit) but another compulsion? Seriously? There has to be something better than this. Surely I can’t be that chemically unusual. So, the search continues.

 

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