Letter to my therapist

Dear V,

How are you? I hope you’re well.
Thank you so much for your last email. You’re right. I don’t know why I said my dreams feel small, because they don’t. They feel exciting and just the right size for me. I was in a bitter mood when I wrote to you. I do sometimes derive a savage pleasure from running myself down, as you’ve no doubt noticed. And you are right again… we are human beings, not human doings. I am already enough. Thank you 🙂
Anyway, I’m feeling pretty good. Quietly confident. I’m three weeks into the Overcoming Binge Eating program. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but this might just be the ladder that helps me climb out of the pit of disordered eating. Or part of the ladder, anyway – maybe the frame. Because lots of things are helping me climb out, including your support! As usual, part of me is worried that something is going to spook the horses. Upset the apple cart. That is, go terribly wrong. I’m acknowledging it but not letting it run the show.
I’m treading water on Week 1 at the moment, but it’s OK. The book says it’s fine to repeat weeks until we are ready to progress, and my recovery is not a race. I will read the next chapter when I have time, and move forward when it is right for me. That will, I hope, be tomorrow night. I will try to just stay calm about things on the whole. Take my recovery one day at a time. Move into the discomfort and feel it. Embrace the fear of the unknown. Choose love instead of fear as much as possible.
Having said that, it’s not easy. To stay the anti-diet path is to accept my body right now, with its jiggles and wobbles. It is not easy to have laid down my biggest crutch. Without it, I walk tentatively and slowly. The program itself is not complicated; all Week 1 involves is recording everything I eat and drink, where and when I do so, and how I feel about it. It is not complicated but it is challenging. It forces me to confront my behaviour, right there on paper. I can no longer flee into the deep denial and blind release of binge eating. Or rather, I could, but am choosing not to. I am choosing anew every time I feed myself. I am choosing anew with every moment of every day. Part of me rages on about this… but the rage is just a wave, and I am a rock.
Having said that, not binge-eating feels pretty wonderful. Eating lots of vegetables feels wonderful. Nourishing myself feels wonderful. Eating pasta salad with mayonnaise feels wonderful. Having a drink with colleagues on Fridays feels good. Eating intuitively feels good. Making my own wholesome white chocolate feels good. It feels good to be brave enough to respect my body when I realise that I don’t fancy a sweet after dinner. It feels good to ride my bike for the sheer joy of it. My yoga practice, sporadic though it is, feels great. That’s not to say that I don’t still fret when I choose to eat high-calorie food. There is always a part of me waving a placard and campaigning for weight loss. The part of me that says, “This is all fine but only if it helps you lose weight!” And it’s a significant part. But, resolutely and stoically, I press on. I can’t honestly say I do not desire weight loss… I’m still shackled in that regard. I want it badly. But I have put it aside as a goal for now. I’m going to try to let my body work it out. If I’m not binge-eating, I am at least not turning my sword against myself and causing myself pain. I don’t have to go through the trauma and terrible aftermath of a binge. Any and all discomfort I ensure in the process is entirely worth it!
I think that’s enough from me now. Thank you, V! Thank you for being there and for listening as I wax poetic. Perhaps we could have a session in the next few weeks. It would be nice to talk about how I’m going.
Take care and have a wonderful week!
Marnie x

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