Sad

I am sad today.

We didn’t get the electoral result we were hoping for, and this makes me frightened.

My grandmother’s health is failing, as is my father’s. I am so scared to lose them.

My family live far away from me and sometimes I get so bloody lonely. I miss them so  much. My mother is getting older and that frightens me. Sometimes I wonder what I am doing in this city.

I am dating someone wonderful but I don’t think we’re meant to be together forever, and that is sad too. I don’t want to have to let her go.

I look around my room and I am slightly sickened by the amount of clothes I own. Stuff, stuff everywhere. I wonder what the point is. What is the point of anything?

I didn’t go to choir rehearsal today and I feel guilty about that.

I can’t keep my guitar lessons up because I don’t feel ready.

I have a challenging new job that I like, but, at the same time, it terrifies me, makes me anxious and clouds my leisure time.

I am scared of what the future will hold. My loved ones might get sick and will eventually die, as will I. I am constantly braced for disaster, poised for peril, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something to go wrong, as it inevitably will. Waiting for things to blow up in my face.

I will not push this sadness away. I will be grateful that I am sad because it means I am feeling. I am alive.

This sadness will pass. I know that. It always does.

Anicca.